Day Three - Purge
One of my favourite beings in the entire world asked me yesterday...
“What is one thing that you think that you do well, and others would not think so.”
And I thought really hard about it.
I had said that I think that I am very good at communication, but I don’t actually think I am. So I kind of blew the question and will have to go back and revisit the question later.
I want to change the question. To “What do other people think I’m good at and I know I’m not”.
And I think that a lot of people think that I’m good at getting shit done.
And I don’t really think that I am good at that (or it’s not natural).
I procrastinate a lot and wait to find my flow before starting… or sometimes need a big push to drop in.
I think I’m good at starting things and not finishing, but I think everybody would agree with that.
But I guess I do know my self relatively well now and I know that the only way I can get things done is by creating accountability for myself and structure. Which is something that I wrestle with every day because of who I am and how I was raised.
** this is why I am doing this purge exercise and posting it on the internet. To force myself to do it.
I was raised very well, by a very loving Mother and we had a big family. My mom was a single Mom and would spend five days of the week working and she would get up very early and leave before sunrise and then she would return after sunset.
And for most of my life I was a latch key kid. Meaning I had a key around my neck, and I had to get myself home and then could fill my time as I pleased. I did have an older brother, but we didn’t’ intermingle very much. So, I was this kid who did whatever she wanted for large amounts of time. And I think in that I developed a certain lawlessness about me. And I know this because I went to see a psychotherapist and paid him thousands of dollars to break down my pathology. And that is another story in itself. But basically, he said because I had just one primary caregiver, I never developed a certain amount of respect for a higher power (because my Mom was that higher power)… and I think because of that I never really realized or had someone tell me that things are not doable or people will curtail your plans. And it’s funny because to this day, I am not really aware that I don’t have to do everything and I have the ability to reign things in.
And I really don’t think that’s a bad thing.
But, my ideas grow speed very quickly and nobody would ever be able to achieve what my brain wants… and because of this I am not always satisfied in what I produce.
The biggest thing I’ve learnt to date is that I need to …
a. work with people who have free flow ‘big picture’ thinking
b. I need to choose people to get involved that have the qualities that I do not possess.
c. I need to talk to people to get other opinions
d. I need to have firm deadlines and work towards achieving them.
I guess I just think that people think that I naturally get things done but I would say that for the majority of the time I am trying to figure out my way. I do believe everything is possible and my brain compulsively works and thinks on things until it can find a route in.
And often that has been at the expense of my own health, family and friends. Sorry.
But I do try and work or have those intense times happen during times when I am alone.
But yes, I guess this is my purge and I know that I need to create more accountability inside of me.
But also, I need to be a little bit more compassion and kindness for myself.
Or maybe it’s this Walt Disney Method that I need to be a bit better at sifting through the ideas to make sure I know which one’s are good ones and which ones are are not.
Viability seems to be the future for me (and deadlines and working with people with accountability).
Ok I think that is a pretty good purge for me today.
Basically, just outlining the things that I am not good at and then trying to create a path through it.
DAY THREE PURGE, done.