My very first Purge.
I find it very hard to find my place to live in a world without expectation. And to try and do things because they are inside of me versus because I think that I should get something.
I think I have actually been very passive aggressive in my approach to life. I often care much too deeply about things that don’t really matter. And then the things that I do care about… I project a certain amount of aloofness to most things.
“Do we all do this? Or am I alone? Or is it just a dance that we are all just destined to enter into? And I’m just always a little off beat.”
I really don’t know.
I am sure if I wanted to go dive deeply into it, look into my pathology and find something in my childhood to look for something that happened or didn’t happen to me.
But I really think it’s just about being human. Is this the human condition?
Wanting to contribute, connect to something bigger than ourselves – but too scared to actually put ourselves out there?
And I think that’s the question you need to ask yourself.
Am I doing this for me? Or is it for someone else?
How would I feel if I tried and didn’t get it versus if I never tried again?
Was it Babe Ruth that said you strike out from a hundred percent of the pitches you don’t swing for? (I should fact check this, but I like the idea of just purging it from my body).
Life is a mystery… and things are always entering us. And I believe it is up to us for what we do next. Whether we will let things flow through us or linger and take over parts of our body and seep into our lives and the lives of those around us.
So... I guess my new goal is to try and live without too much expectation or hope.
And then I can save all of my energy for the things that really matter.
Like losing someone you love or being there for your friends in a crisis or to celebrate their victories.
Really listening to your people.
And I guess this is where most people would say to be grateful.
And I am really grateful that I am here in my chair writing my first blog post (holy shit).
It just took me trying to avoid some feelings to force myself to sit down and pour my feelings out.
And I’m just going to purge it from me so that I don’t have to carry this stuff inside of me anymore.
Routine is something that I am becoming obsessed with, trying to give some structure to my free flowing brain.
And I’m going to try and do this for one month. Get into the routine of this to see how it all goes and how I feel at the end of it.
So basically, what I am doing is. I have put on a song on Spotify (this song) and I am sitting at my computer and closing my eyes and typing like a mad woman. Granted typing is a skill I possess (thank-you grade nine keyboarding class).
And I am just coming off of listening to Joe Dispenza’s morning meditation (while simultaneously oil rinsing/ probably shouldn't be multi-tasking).
I think I did a terrible job at the Joe Dispenza this morning.
My mind was racing the whole time, probably think about this blog post.
Because… and this is probably the reason why I’m staring a blog. Is because I’m trying to tell myself that I don’t really care about an email that I am set to receive today (or that I’m fine with the outcome either way).
And the email is to know If I’m going to receive a grant for a web series that I want to make on my little sister. My sister has down syndrome and it would be a twenty thousand cheque that would allow me to follow her around and document her ascension as Canada’s next top dance class instructor. And if I was going to get really honest, which I think I am because this whole exercise is called purge. I would say that… I think Adele is a rock star and I’ve spent the last thirty seven years watching her and how she affects people and I just want more people to experience her in her glory. I don’t know what it is about my sister that people connect to. It might be because she has down syndrome so people don’t have a ton of expectation from her or it could be that she is just this free flowing ball of energy that oozes love out of every corner. She holds her head high (unless she’s colouring) and she hugs people and she demands those hugs with outstretched arms. And she tells you exactly how it is. She’s told me I’m fat, thin, beautiful, smart and loveable and I think at those different movements in time whether they are brief or not she was right. But none of it matters, except the love I feel inside. Lately, the only thing she says is that i'm perfect (I think we are both maturing).
And I am very very thankful that she not only exists, but that she is allowed to exist in a space where she is received in pure love and acceptance. And I think that this is something that we should all strive for ourselves.
To love and accept ourselves for all that we are and all that we aren’t.
Ok. Well I guess I just started a blog post and I’m going to drink my tea and put it on my website.