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Day Four - Purge


“It is a lingering state (or state of mind).”

It seems to come and go, in waves and yet it’s almost coats a part of your being. Covering everything inside of you. In different seasons it runs rampant and then it spontaneously combusts, and you have a reprieve. But in those moments of increased intensity … when you are in a weakened state it comes back ten-fold and with such critical mass that it can be debilitating. Suffocating you as it wraps itself around all of your organs. Interrupting your digestion, changing the information path of your brain to your body, shortening your breath, and weakening your defences while making your heart quicken.

You are at odds with it. But if you choose to befriend it, you will notice a new path of recovery will emerge. You recognize when it rises within you and in that your recovery becomes quicker. And with that you learn to express or expunge it from your core. You notice an increase in your rate of recovery time. You can find solace quicker; but you still experience it. It never leaves, it's a part of you. The part that creates empathy and compassion.

My friendly state with grief now is this… I let it enter me. I greet it and release it. I still have deep feelings of injustice.. but I let it move through and out of me. Acknowledge, accept and absolve.

I don’t really know what the answer is or if there is ever a cure. But I do know that love is the answer. And it’s not a replacement. It’s a choice, let the love grow, find that place where it builds.

The reason you are feeling grief right now is probably because at the core of your being you loved with such intensity that it burrowed a place in your soul. And that hole is filled with all the wonderment of love itself… and in the absence of its presence... grief and loss takes up stead.

But you must fill that hole in the being of your soul with something else. And that’s love. And it’s love for the missing part and the love that they bestowed upon you. And you need to find a way to find that love again, reflect it towards you and bathe in its’ warmth.

I know death is often traumatizing and at times the trauma lingers, and we mistake it for grief. And I’m sure that trauma mixes with grief and it’s hard to know or see where one begins, and one ends. I don’t know why we hold on to this feeling. Maybe it’s because we believe if we release it, we release that being that is gone. Or maybe we feel guilty that we are still here, and they are not. The unknown is a scary thing, and that’s what most deep feelings of love and grief are. The unknown. What do we pass on? What do we want to pass on? The love, the grief or the hope. Do we shut ourselves down so that we no longer spread the grief and pain, or do we just keep loving our way through life? Opening doors and crossing over and closing doors when the journey is complete.

I guess the answer is to keep spreading the love, joy and the grief. Keep loving deeply and with the passion that burns inside of you. You cannot live your life in fear. Keep on keeping on and push into that place of deep connection. Where real friendships live and expand.

And make sure within all of this, that it is your own kinship to yourself that you feed.

Be a friend to yourself and a friend to others (in that order).

Love, openly, deeply, up close and from afar.

Fill up your soul with the good stuff. The nectar.

I lived in awe of my dog everyday…. And yet I don’t think I had the same wonderment with my Mom. Because, all I ever knew was her steady love and support. She was a constant that seemed infinite… and my dog I knew was for a short time.

But in the reality, all we have is but a very short time on this earthly plane. Make sure you fill your days with the stuff that’s going to fill you up and light your path.

The moments that compel you into action.

If you know that you have no choice but to do the things you love, then you should start doing them.

And start doing them often. With a wreck less abandonment and with more intensity.

But be kind to yourself.

And just let it all go fall line. If you try too hard to control or shape it… it will end of up looking like something so far away from where it belongs. its’ a bit of a dance to evolve and shape shift.

Just do what is inside of your heart and you’ll fall into line.

It’s always fall line.

Just ride it, go with the gravity and fall into your line.

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